Saturday, December 29, 2012

I’m Pregnant and I Really Want . . .

What do pregnant women really want? Well, I cannot speak for all pregnant women, but having given birth four times and being approximately 9 days away from delivering my fifth child I can at least tell you what I want and I’m pretty sure there are some other pregnant women out there that will agree with me.

I want people to keep their fricking hands off of my stomach! Even if I do know you, that does not give you the right to manhandle me, invade my personal space, or cop a feel. Contrary to my crazy Mother-In-Law’s assertion that “All pregnant women love to have people touch their stomachs” this is not true!

I want you to stay out of my decision on how to feed my child. Unless you a medical professional that needs to know, do not ask if I will be breastfeeding or bottle feeding. If you are in need of that information, accept my answer and move on. When The Boy was born the Lactation Nazi would not believe (even after the nurses and doctors told her) that The Boy had to be on a special formula for his kidneys and INSISITED that I HAD to breastfeed or I was not taking care of my child properly! That bitch is lucky she escaped with her hair still attached to her head.  

I want you to respect my privacy; do not ask me detailed personal questions regarding my pregnancy. “What position did you and DH use to conceive?” “Are you constipated?” “Have you passed your mucus plug?” “How much weight have you gained?” Contrary to what my MIL thinks, not all details of pregnancy are for public consumption and are only the business of me, DH, and my OB.

I want you to ask what you can do to help me. While I’m sure you mean well, offering to keep me company is just asking me to entertain you for a couple of hours and is not restful for me. Ask if you can watch my other kids so I can nap. Ask if you can do my laundry, or dishes, or some other household chore so I don’t have to do it.

I want you to ask me if I want to help with and participate in things. Do not assume I am completely helpless/worthless because I am pregnant. If the third grade needs two dozen sugar cookies and I am known for making awesome cookies, go ahead and ask me to make them. Don’t assume that because I am pregnant I can no longer bake and won’t want to go to a movie. I will tell you if I am unable to do it.

I want gift receipts because how many faux fur trimmed pink bedazzled hoodies can one infant use? I am grateful for every gift, but have, with past children been given three and four of the exact same baby item.  Want some really great gift ideas to someone with a newborn? Gift certificates to a restaurant that does take out or delivery. A couple of hours of housecleaning. A babysitter for when the new parents are ready to go out in public.

This one is for all the Darling Husbands (or whatever the baby’s other parent is called), I want you to get me a gift (sometimes called a Push Present) to acknowledge my hard work that culminated in our new little bundle of joy. Flowers, a favorite snack, even a card! Something! My own Darling Husband has failed to do this EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I have explained to him, as have my daughters and best friends that this time he needs to come through. I told him this will be the FIFTH of his GIANT children I have pushed out and I would like some acknowledgement of those efforts.

In short, I want you to treat as normal human being. I am not livestock, a wimp, or public property. I just want you to be respectful, treat as you would like to be treated as a non-pregnant human being, think about what you are going to say before you say it, and for the love of all of that is holy DO NOT TOUCH OUR STOMACHS!