Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Underwear Crime Scene

PMS, Aunt Flo, Exploding Ovary Syndrome, “That” Time of the Month, Period, Menstruation, Womanly Time, Tampon Time, Diaper Undies, On the Rag, The Curse, Hemorrhaging, Shark Week, Crime Scene in my Underwear, and of course (for some women) Thank You Jesus I’m Not Pregnant.

Whatever you call the bloating/cramping/gushing of blood that occurs on a mostly monthly basis, having a menstrual period is not a fun time. Any woman that tells you it is fun is delusional. Even if you are thrilled to find out you are not expecting, you still don’t enjoy the proof.  The changing hormone levels and the accompanying symptoms of PMS can bring a woman to her knees (or put her in bed with a heating pad, back episodes of Gray’s Anatomy, and a bag of M&M’s) and sometimes make her pray for death, or at least a really good painkiller.

Despite all of the hormonal changes that a woman goes through during “The Curse” most of us manage to go about our normal duties, even if we are a bit cranky while doing them.  (Okay, maybe more than a bit cranky, some of us probably reach potential psychotic killer status.) I have been guilty of being a bit more than cranky some months, and the ice pick comes out.  Do we know we are cranky when Aunt Flo is visiting? Yes, we know, but unlike our other relatives, we can’t make that bitch leave. Since we are stuck with old Aunt Flo, even if we could, we just might not want to stop being cranky.  We might want to scream, yell, cry, and just be generally pissed off until she is gone and we have replaced the underwear she made us ruin when she arrived off schedule!

The worst part of being “On the Rag” is when men offer their opinion of our behavior while we are suffering from “Exploding Ovary Syndrome”! I do not know a single woman that has EVER asked for the opinion of a man about her behavior or attitude while she was having a crime scene in her underwear. Yet, there are men who feel compelled to say things to us, like; “Oh stop being such a baby.” (Want me to jam a pacifier up your urethra?) “It can’t be that bad.” (Really? May I kick you in the scrotum 3 times a day for 5 days and then see if you care to repeat that?) “You just need to calm down.” (How about I pump you full of hormones for a week and we’ll see if you “calm down” without tranquilizers?) I really think that some men have a death wish (say those things to the wrong woman and she might oblige his wish). My favorite though, is when a man says, “Never trust anything that bleeds for 7 days but doesn’t die.” (You mean like you will after I shoot you in the gut and lock you in a closet?) However, since I don’t really want to see anyone in the Sisterhood of the Monthly Hemorrhage in jail for killing an ignorant man, I’m going to help out the men with some friendly advice.

Gentlemen, no matter how insane the woman in your life may seem while she is experiencing Tampon Week, no matter how awful she is, no matter what she says to you during that week, please keep this in mind as it will save your testicles if not your life;

No uterus equals no opinion!


  1. "No uterus equals no opinion!"..Lol..Loved It!! :)

  2. Great words of wisdom I love it

  3. i don't have a uterus anymore but you can bet I have an opinion!

  4. Just another reason why I love you.

  5. This is awesome. Since I too got an unexpected visit. As far as the stupid things men say during this time, when my comes off with those stupid things my all time favorite reply to him "Well let me shove a tampon up ur ass and see how u feel. While i twist ur nuts. :)"